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Hi :) It’s been a minute, and I apologize for that. I appreciate your emails and direct messages - the few that I received. I didn't ignore them, and Titty Tuesday is not in peril ;) In fact, ironically, I received yet another message today, the very same day a friend of mine and I had a conversation pertaining to our connections with ourselves. We are both without one, at the present moment, despite everything else in our lives seeming up to par, and on the right track. So, I have decided to acknowledge this synchronicity and use it to implement a resolution, not a “New Years” resolution, because it is not the new year, and I don’t believe in them. I make resolutions at will, when necessary, and right now, it’s very necessary. I’m going to dedicate myself to regular blog postings as a way to reconnect with myself and insert some regular and ritualistic self-expression back into my life. Right about now, everything else outside of myself has held my attention and focus. Even as I sit here, I attend to the numerous text ringtones that keep going off, emails that flood my inbox, and I have a To-Do list that extends a mile beyond those that I keep going back to, in my head. I have been faithful to everything and everyone, except to myself - my creative, thoughtful, spiritual, otherwise healthy and silly self.
To give you a little background, when I started this blog in 2008, I was taking strides to get myself exactly to where I am right now, professionally and otherwise. I went through numerous changes that at the start of the blog, were just in the planning stages. Basically, I was embarking on the journey to manifest the very reality I find myself in today. Pat on the back for that, yes. All my hard work and everything I was planning for eventually started to come to fruition, but things got crazy. Life-altering changes are like that, I guess, and as a result my attention shifted and I started taking time away from myself, this blog and other things.
This is, in part, because my To-Do list was, has and is always, now, crazy-out-of-control. The changes I mention continue to entail a lot of logistical tasks and details, that without my keen, focused attention would have not enabled me to make my accomplishments a reality and would fall apart even right now. I know you can relate, because your To-Do list and mine are probably the same in length. In our world, responsibilities like career, children, school, etc. come first. In fact, it’s in focusing on all of these tasks that we’re easily able to validate losing touch with ourselves, and putting ourselves, our health, and well-being on pause. Of course, that eventually catches up with us, and you end up like me, trying to figure out some new way to maintain light, ‘cause child, the old methods just aren’t getting the job done!
Now, in no way, do I regret the changes that have put me where I am today. They are exactly what I wanted. They were planned to the most minute of details, and I am so happy that I stuck with them and succeeded in my efforts. My life is on the “right” track. Right, meaning the exact route I planned for and the path that feels right. The past two years have been crazy, amazing, and perfect. It’s a little scary just how perfect and precise things have worked out. Shit, I can’t complain about anything, without feeling guilty. Because, with all these major changes, the only problem I find myself with is not focusing on myself...things like eating and exercising have become a chore, rather than a part of my lifestyle. Being spiritual as well as artistic and creative has also been added to my To-Do list, and most days I leave them till the end, when there is little to no time to fulfill them, so I move them to the next day, and the next day, and so on. What was a matter of days, becomes a matter of months. Months spent taking care of everything outside myself, and very little inside.
When I tell you I have neglected myself, you have no idea. Let me share. I had resorted to consuming caffeine in quantities that were not healthy in order to keep myself going. At one point, I was drinking so much coffee, I thought I was developing a mild incontinence problem or UTI. Girl, yes, I kept having a STRONG urge to pee, but 1) I could hold it and 2) I always had more than enough to piss out, so I eventually ruled out incontinence and a UTI. Since cutting down to drinking two cups a week for the past two months, I’m back to normal. Not only that, but I was working out so rigorously, to compensate for going from 5-day workout weeks to 3-days a week, that I injured myself--twice. Nothing permanent and that didn’t correct itself with rest, but enough that I felt like my body was falling apart. That only made me feel weaker, as a person, which made me feel insecure and depressed. Of course, my body wasn’t falling apart--my mental-health was falling apart. I wasn’t focused on my body movements, so I put strain on areas that previously I would not have. Working out used to be like an art to me. I was focused, determined, and never hurt myself. Furthermore, for a few months I had no sex drive. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I had no desire for sex, alone or with a chick. My friends were ho-in’ it up and I couldn’t even envy them. I kept thinking, “Where do you find TIME for that?!” I didn’t even “have time” for masturbation, and at one point, I thought my shit would permanently dry out. I became paranoid. I wax, so I started contemplating whether I should stop waxing so that the hair could trap SOME moisture down there. I read about menopause and how painful it can get for woman who’s vaginal secretions slow down, and I started worrying about that. I was worried about everything. Hypochondriac status. But I decided against not waxing, cause I just can’t. And then my lowest point came when, recently, I started smoking cigarettes. I’ve since put them down, but for a good 2 months, I had cigarettes on me all the time, and smoked a good 2-3 a day. That shoulda been my wake-up call, but I made the excuse that I was just weak, and still managed to quit, but without taking mental inventory for why I was smoking in the first place. Clearly, I’m stressed! But my stress isn’t just from not having enough time to get the daily task-list completed, it’s from not connecting with myself! I don’t need 48 hour days like I think I do, I need to give full, focused, healthy attention to my tasks, myself, and life, and I’ll be able to get it all done in 12 hours, with a good 8-10 hours rest and sleep. Instead I run around like a chicken with my head cutoff; I half-ass shit; and then beat myself up, not at any point taking time out to nurture, connect and talk myself through these processes.
I need, as everyone does, to reconnect with myself, and to start it off I’m going to first commit to blogging. This blog serves as a sort of public declaration and therefore is an obligation to see this through. I spilled it for all the internet to see, so now I gotta clean it up! I thought it through most carefully. Luckily blogging does not disconnect me from myself like so many of my other tasks do right now, and I can post and create anything I want. Creating gives us life. It’s an inherent need/trait given to us by our creator (whether God, the universe, Mother Earth, etc.) Eventually I’ll work up consistency with my efforts in eating healthy, exercising with purpose, meditating, and shit, even having some damn form of regular sex. ‘Cause anyone who says sex ain’t spiritual hasn’t felt the power of a good nut, as far I see it. Anyway, I can’t believe how long this post got, but maybe you can get with this, and feel free to share any resolutions you’re making, have made, plan on making? ;-)
